Reward

I must start this post with a disclaimer - it's going to be a lengthy one.  So...for the few of you who have decided to stick around and read, here goes :)

Behavior charts have been around for a while, and for some it is quite an effective strategy. As I mentioned here, the psychologist asked us to begin an interactive behavior chart with D.  He struggles with anger/frustration and it manifests in both verbal and physical outbursts.  And he goes from 0 to 60 pretty quickly...

The concept of the chart was this - a sticker was given if the negative behavior was not committed and an "X" if it was.  We were to give one warning when the behavior started, asking him if he wanted to continue the behavior and get an "X".  If he stopped, no "X".  Stickers were given when he did not have any of the problem behaviors during the day, which was broken into AM/PM.  D was required to participate by placing only the stickers; Mom and Dad would mark the "X".  I was told we could offer a small reward at the end of the week for having all stickers.  And she stated that we would ultimately be moving toward more substantial rewards (not just stickers).

Okay, so what's the problem?  

Well, what would your chart look like?  Mine?  Well it certainly would NOT be all stickers!  So many times throughout the day I yell, I lose patience unnecessarily, I selfishly lay down when the kids want to play, I grumble when someone cuts me off in traffic...

The idea that we are rewarded for good behavior, or that we can earn things from being good is completely counter to the gospel message that I want my children to know and understand.

It's simply, yet profoundly explained in the children's bible that I read to my kids - God loves you with a never stopping, never giving up, unbreaking, always and forever love.  Good behavior does not earn you God's love, nor does bad behavior put you any further away from His love.  It's called grace - when God loves us anyway, even though we don't deserve it.  And when we begin to know God's grace, we can extend it to others as we often need to do daily (like when someone cuts me off in traffic!).  

• For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9) 

• But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9) 

In the end, I want D to make better choices with his frustration, anger, and aggression, but most importantly want him to know that God loves him unconditionally as he struggles to do so.  And that when he makes a bad choice, God loves him and we love him. I want him to have a heart for God and strive to live according to His Word, not mine.

And you know what?  There is freedom in knowing that you don't have to be perfect.  Because we can never be as perfect as the One who created all things.   But He loves us anyway.

So, my heart is to extend grace to D when he has these outburst of frustration/anger - and spend time talking it through with him.  And that takes a lot - a lot of patience, a lot of time, and a lot of wisdom, none of which come easy to this mama.  I find that so much of this parenting experience is molding me. And I'm sure there will be many days that my attempts to help D will earn me an "X" and not a sticker. But, thankfully there is grace and forgiveness from a God who loves us, and his grace is sufficient.

My prayer is to keep the conversation going and hope that he begins to understand from where his strength comes.

xoxo,

Chele

PS - I did share my concerns with the psychologist.  I promise to share more about that later.